Facebook is more valuable than your privacy

Hello. Were you aware that every day in America a company goes to sleep hungry? Hungry for your personal data?

No, don’t get up.

It seems inconceivable that this could happen here, in the self-declared greatest country in the world, but it does. Particularly after a certain selfish company [COUGH *apple* COUGH] restricted app tracking on its mobile platform, stealing your privacy right off of Facebook’s plate and giving it back to you. You who will surely squander it.

Why just look at these hungry faces.

That’s why we’re asking all Americans to give whatever of their personal privacy they can directly to Facebook. It could be as simple as jotting down your social security number on a Post-It note and mailing it to Menlo Park. Maybe you could send an old diary. We find that those who give more generously send their last five tax returns, all passwords to significant websites, and the results of any colonoscopies they’ve had. Your buying habits would also be appreciated. And the names of any pets. Blood types would be good. Just send it all. Facebook doesn’t care.

Soon those hungry faces will turn to ones of delight.

Thank you, and God bless.

Yes, pity poor Facebook (disclaimer: do not actually pity it) as its stock tumbled on news last week that privacy changes implemented by Apple will decrease its sales by about $10 billion. Finally, privacy has a price tag!

And if you’re enjoying this heaping helping of schadenfreude, please tuck into the news that the company also lost a million subscribers last quarter.

Oof. That’s… so rich. Not sure the Macalope can eat… any… m…

[chewing noises]

Can’t imagine why anyone would leave a platform that’s clearly making big bank on your privacy. Baffling, really. Your privacy isn’t going to sell itself to advertisers, you know.

Facebook went on to grouse that Apple was creating a “carve-out” for browsers because Apple makes money from Google search ads. Sure, except as Glenn Fleishman pointed out, Apple has also made one of the most privacy-forward browsers in the industry, certainly the most privacy-forward browser that’s widely used. So, no.

Apple may use privacy as a marketing tool but it also packs it into its devices as a feature, so it’s entitled. This furry observer has long been arguing that product reviews should take privacy into account when evaluating products and platforms.

Certainly, Facebook does.

[Legally mandated “ZING!”]