You won't believe this. The Macalope was in the mall yesterday
and they already have the hating-on-the-iPhone-14 decorations
Yes, from the guy who brought you such hits as These rumors about the 2017 iPhone rumors will
really anger you, These rumors about the 2018 iPhone will really
anger you, These rumors about the 2019 iPhone will really
anger you and… well, you see where this is going.
So, you will be unsurprised to learn that, writing for the
Forbes contributor network and home of the Restore the Corman Universe movement, Gordon Kelly is
back to tell us already what we're going to hate about the
Do not adjust your screens, dear readers, you read that right.
Next year's iPhones. If you would like to adjust your
screens such that you are no longer about to read this nonsense,
the horny one will understand.
New Apple Leak Reveals First iPhone 14 Bad News
(Tip o' the antlers to Tay.)
First! There will surely be much more. A veritable deluge of bad
news. Surely this phone no one will see for a year is doomed. Just
as all iPhones before it. Before they went on to sell extremely
So, what is the thing that you will hate so much about next
year's iPhone? Well, you might want to sit down. Or lie down. In a
sensory-deprivation tank. Because, according to rumors…
…the iPhone 14 is unlikely to completely replace the notch with
a punch-hole cutout and just make it smaller instead.
Now, the Macalope knows your blood is probably boiling right
now. Look down. You are squeezing the life out of a stuffed Caillou
doll. It's unrelated to this, you just hate that sanctimonious
little Canadian nuisance. But, still, you're a shook-up bottle of
Hey, the Macalope hears you. You're all about, uh, punch-hole
cutouts instead of smaller notches. That's literally what it says
on your t-shirt! I'm all about punch-hold cutouts instead of
smaller notches! Such a weird shirt. And the Macalope has some bad
news for you about the new MacBook Pros.
Alas, this is not the end of the horrible, very bad news about
this phone we all already want to throw into the river. And not the
good river, the bad river.
…the much hyped return of Touch ID via an in-display sensor will
not be happening with the iPhone 14 either.
AS IF WE DIDN'T ALREADY HATE THIS AS-YET ANNOUNCED OR EVEN
CONSTRUCTED PHONE WITH THE RED-HOT INTENSITY OF 10,000 PRODUCT RED
Now, the Macalope will use the power of clairvoyance to predict
some of the other things you will hate about the iPhone 14. First
of all, it will be supply constrained, even though it is a phone
everyone is angry about and hates. Somehow Apple will still not be
able to make enough of them to supply demand. Second, after a huge
number of inexplicable sales (probably to the Apple faithful) Apple
will cut orders, something it hasn't done ever on a phone, thus proving how much people
hate it. Third, something about the camera bump.
Okay, not so much clairvoyance as years of experience.
Saying what the iPhone 14 won't have tells us nothing about what
it will have. And what it will have is what will determine its
level of success.